Title and fandom withheld to protect the tastebud-deprived author...

[ealgylden]

Every once in a while, you'll be reading along in an otherwise harmless story, doop de doop, when all of a sudden you hit a phrase that's so appalling, so ill-considered, so just plain icky, that you need to just back away from the computer for a minute, until you've finished repressing and/or laughing. From what I've seen around LJ and lists and boards, and from my own experience, these roadkill phrases tend to be things like "pulsating elfhood," "obsidian orbs," and a wide variety of weeping body parts (though rarely are said parts eyes. Oops, I mean, "orbs"). I've more or less built up a resistance to the majority of these over the years; I might roll my eyes (and probably will), but it takes something special to make me really shudder these days.

Something like, say, the image of a martini coming complete with maraschino cherries and a little umbrella. Dear. God.

Why would anyone do that to a poor, innocent martini? Cherries? Umbrellas?! The martini is a noble drink, with a long and olive-filled history! It was the staple of the executive lunch in the days when grey-suited businessmen lingered over their steaks discussing the Anderson account, before heading home to their unfulfilled wives and their children named Chip and Princess. It was the elixir over which the society detective seduced the sozzled socialite into revealing just why she was being blackmailed. It's as much a part of James Bond's arsenal as his Walther PPK. It does not come with an umbrella.

I knew that that trend of unsettlingly colorful drinks that aren't actually martinis but are served in martini glasses was going to end badly. I just didn't figure it would do so in fic. Damn you, Carrie Bradshaw. Damn you to frou-frou drink hell.

And nicked from carmarthen and carolinecrane respectively,


Your match is Traditional!Norrington, the
Norrington that stays true to canon. He
understands that Elizabeth loves another, and
dutifully accepts his loss. Many call him
boring, but the real question is, what happens
when that wig comes off?


Who's your Commodore Norrington Match?
brought to you by Quizilla


Yeah, I figured. I do love the classics (like martinis with no cherries in them! Ack!). Funny quiz, too- I was tempted to cheat just for the variety.

My journal says I'm 52% feminine.

What does your LJ writing style say about your gender?

LJ Gender Tool by hutta

Huh, 52% Feminine vs. 48% Masculine. Well, aren't I the balanced one.

Comments

[thenightsfall]

I feel your pain. In the last two days, I've read fic, all in the same fandom, telling me it's "Pittsburg," (actually, I see that one a lot and it hurts we Pennsylvanians :g:), Delaware is a city and not a state, and it doesn't rain in Colorado in July. Unh huh. Oh! And in that selfsame city in Colorado, they mow their grass. In the winter, which I suppose, technically, you could do, but, um, why?

Painful, I tell ya.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

I just saw something that had Pittsburgh as the number one misspelled city in the US (I would have figured someplace like Schenectady, but there are probably fewer opportunities to spell that at all, let alone wrongly). Where the heck was that list... I'll find it. But yeah, that sort of thing drives me nuts. If they don't know how to use an encyclopedia or an almanac or an atlas, well, they should be ashamed, but they also should at least be able to do a web search. Sheesh.

Delaware is a city and not a state

Seriously? Ouch. I despair, I really do.

[thenightsfall]

But yeah, that sort of thing drives me nuts. If they don't know how to use an encyclopedia or an almanac or an atlas, well, they should be ashamed, but they also should at least be able to do a web search. Sheesh.

Yes, and sadly, none of those details were particularly obsure knowledge or hard to doublecheck. What has me really scared is that these authors probably have no idea there was anything wrong or needing checked!

Seriously? Ouch. I despair, I really do.

Yep, Delaware is a... city. :-/ In slight defense of this author, she is from the UK, but it ain't hard to get an American beta to check such details, or vice versa should the need arise. I must admit it does bother me the amount of British English coming out of Jack's and Daniel's mouths in Stargate fic.

Thanks for that link! There are some very puzzling cities on that list! But hey! We here in PA are proud to have our two cities on it. We live to stymie. :g:

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

I must admit it does bother me the amount of British English coming out of Jack's and Daniel's mouths in Stargate fic.

Ah yes, that's an old favorite peeve. I sympathize with all the Harry Potter fans who are frustrated with the amount of Americanisms creeping into Hogwarts, but a mean little part of me can't help but be amused that the shoe's on the other foot now, after years of Anglicized Stargate and Mag7 fic. Heh, at last! *g* I do wish people would be more careful with those distracting details, though. As you say, it's not that hard to get a beta to make sure you're using the right idiom.

[thenightsfall]

Ah, just desserts... Perhaps now all will be clued in that attention to detail needs to be paid on both sides of the pond. Maybe. Possibly. :sigh: Doubtful. But, I live in hope!

Stargate authors use the word "chortled" a lot, though. Good word "chortled." I give them extra credit for that. I like a chortling Daniel.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Ah ha, got it! Naturally as soon as I post the other comment... Most Misspelled cities in America (http://www.epodunk.com/top10/misspelled/)- some puzzling ones on the list, too. But Pittsburgh wins, woo hoo! ;)

[tanacawyr.livejournal.com]

*chortle*

*wheeze*

When it comes to roadkill!fic, and I've probably mentioned this before ... Coming from "Stargate SG-1" to "Hornblower," I think I've seen as many prosey synonyms for "dark brown" and "blue" as one human being can stand ...

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Yikes, exposure to that many ridiculous romance novel-esque adjectives can't be healthy. Of course, now I have this perverse desire to see a HH/Stargate crossover, just for the Horatio vs. Jack/ Archie vs. Daniel Battle of the Soppy Synonyms...

Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ex-declinean757.livejournal.com]

The first slash fandom I ever really got into was Due South, and I remember how very few authors described Fraser's eyes as blue. They were always cerulean, just as Ray V's eyes were always "emerald" and never plain old green. I mean, why on earth would you use a prosaic term like "blue" when you could say "glistening pools of deepest sapphire" or some other such foolishness?

But maraschino cherries (and an umbrella) in a martini? That's just wrong. The author should be taken out and shaken (not stirred) and then given a copy of a bartender's guide.

Re: Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

I'm sure some of these authors could have productive futures in the color naming industry, thinking up "artistic" labels for paint chips, lipsticks and L.L. Bean clothing. There has to be some useful application for an ability that... insidious. It would get them away from poor Fraser's eyes anyway (I hope they left Dief alone, at least!).

The author should be taken out and shaken (not stirred) and then given a copy of a bartender's guide.

Hee!

Re: Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ex-declinean757.livejournal.com]

(I hope they left Dief alone, at least!).

Most of the DS slash I read tended to conveniently forget that Dief even existed. Which was rather sad, but when one considers what horrible things badfic authors could have done, perhaps it's for the best.

Re: Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

It's probably safer that way, poor pup. No telling what they would have done to his "luxurious silken pelt". Which is a phrase I would bet money has been used by some badfic author to describe Fraser. I just know it.

Re: Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ex-declinean757.livejournal.com]

No telling what they would have done to his "luxurious silken pelt". Which is a phrase I would bet money has been used by some badfic author to describe Fraser.

It's been a few years, but I vaguely remember coming across "glossy pelt" or some variant thereof used in regards to Fraser's hair.

One of the fandoms most plagued with pulsating purple prose is Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. If I had a dime for every time I read a description of young Obi-Wan that waxed poetic about his perfect alabaster skin, delicate hands and glittering jade eyes....

Of cus, this is providing the author didn't fall into the sapphire eyes crowd. No-one could decide if the poor thing had blue eyes and blond hair or green eyes and red hair. But they all agreed he had delicate bones, porcelain skin and an annoying tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Which always baffled me as the guy in the movie I saw was toned, tanned and ready to kick some Sith ass.

Re: Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Which always baffled me as the guy in the movie I saw was toned, tanned and ready to kick some Sith ass.

Hm, me too. I sort of thought Jedi were inclined to be tough, or at least vaguely competent, but I guess we watched it wrong. Must need new Blair-goggles or something.


(Poor Blair. Through no fault of his own, he's become my shorthand for "weepy girly-man character". It hardly seems fair, especially when I could pick on Ezra or Daniel Jackson just as easily. Darn badficcers.)

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

the image of a martini coming complete with maraschino cherries and a little umbrella. Dear. God.

*chokes*

That is just so. wrong.

And you're the first person I've seen who's come up feminine on that quiz. What's your secret? *g*

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

My current theory is that the author is a thirteen-year-old orphan being raised in a very isolated convent school in Burgundy, and she only knows of the martini as a topic of whispered conversations held after Lights Out about that wonderful land of America where everyone is a cowboy or a movie star. I haven't figured out how or why this kid is writing fanfic yet, but I'm sure something will come to me. ;)

And you're the first person I've seen who's come up feminine on that quiz. What's your secret? *g*

Heh, I noticed that. Weird. Maybe I talk about my cats too much?

*choke*

[jaynefury.livejournal.com]

Had a marvelous martini last night made with an apple flavored Stoli. There was NO cherry and NO olive (good lord) but it was decorated with a darling slice of Granny Smith. Martini bars are everywhere and while I am a staunch supporter of Bombay-Gin-with-a-splash-of-Vermouth sort of martini... I've been adventurous lately. Normally, I would choke at the mention of a martini with a cherry... now... not so. However, they can keep the damn umbrella! It's still a Martini for pity's sake!

Re: *choke*

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

I've had friends swear up and down that chocolate mint/melon/sour apple/cinnamon/whatever martinis are yummy, and I'm willing to be convinced, but I just can't bring myself to call them martinis. Any other name, even a silly one, will do. Heck, I even have issues with the vodka martini- gin and vermouth or bust! Purist to a fault, I guess.

And I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but you have the most gorgeous icons. Classy, very classy.

Re: *choke*

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

Ok, for some weird reason, LJ won't let me comment to your original post, so I'm putting it here. Damn LJ...

Feh. I don't even drink martinis, and I know they don't get cherries and an umbrella.

I don't think any fandom is free from such purple prose. It's sad, really. I like your "roadkill phrase" term, I think I may commandeer it.

Grr. I can't get that dashed LJ gender thing to work for me. It just sits there for 5 minutes before getting an error page.

Re: *choke*

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

That's really weird that it wouldn't let you comment- I went to comment on your Everwood post last night and it wouldn't let me either (I didn't really have anything to say, since I don't get the show. I just wanted to sympathize since I see it was a sad episode). I guess the LJ gremlins are at it again.

Some of these people are amazingly baroque in their character descriptions. No one ever has a normal eye color or plain old skin- it's always "flashing jade" or "velvety cobalt," "delicate alabaster" or "smooth chocolate." Erg. Now seriously, people.

Maybe too many people are trying to use the gender thingy? I can't get those memegen things to work for me at all anymore- instead of an answer and a code, I get a plain little box. Very annoying.

Re: *choke*

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathizing :) Yeah, it was weird, though, 'cause it kept saying I needed to select whether I was anonymous or an LJ user, but I was already logged in. Rummy thing, that.

Some of these people are amazingly baroque in their character descriptions. No one ever has a normal eye color or plain old skin- it's always "flashing jade" or "velvety cobalt," "delicate alabaster" or "smooth chocolate." Erg. Now seriously, people.

Ugh. See, that's fine if you're writing in a dated genre that fits such language, but in fanfic? Yuck.

Dunno 'bout the gender thingy. It's not the usual "website not responding" screen I usually get, so it may be something with the site that's wonky. Bummer about the memegen, though. It's no fun to miss out on the latest memes.

[carmarthen.livejournal.com]

Chocolate eyes. *shudder*

Also: pulsating elfhoods?

*head explodes*

(Sorry about the mess.)

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Hee! Did you see that Pintel/Ragetti story where Ragetti got himself a chocolate eye? I think it was by... oh heck, webcrowmancer maybe? Or gileonnen, I can't remember. But ewww.

And yeah, the elfhood thing, geez. How do people write this stuff with a straight face?